


On the Merits of Loneliness

by risingfire17



Category: The Bone Season - Samantha Shannon
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, I blame everything wrong in Paige's life on Jax, Referenced Emotional Abuse, Sad Backstory, and then i got derailed halfway through, basically Paige can't have fluff because of Jax, but Christ I'm obsessed with their dynamic, i blame jaxon hall, it's like a trainwreck I can't look away, this was supposed to be fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26809306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risingfire17/pseuds/risingfire17
Summary: Paige passes out from blood loss after helping Warden, and she's almost inclined to accept his surprisingly tender care, until she has a memory that re-establishes mistrust.
Relationships: Paige Mahoney & Jaxon Hall, Paige Mahoney/Warden | Arcturus Mesarthim
Kudos: 5





	On the Merits of Loneliness

Beginning to feel lightheaded, I braced myself against the bed as Warden continued to drain the blood from my arm. Unlike the bloodlust-driven vampires in stories, the rephaite treated the process dispassionately, like any other medical procedure. And that was fine with me. I didn’t need any of the “passions” of those vampire stories at the moment. And it meant he’d be able to stop before he took too much blood. At least, that’s what I hoped.

When he released me, I rose to bandage myself, when my body made me aware of just how much blood I’d lost. Black attacked the edges of my vision, and my body, feeling simultaneously light and heavy and definitely out of my control, pitched toward the floor. I flailed in anticipation of a fall that never came, because a large, warm hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me back the way I came. When I landed, I felt softness. And warmth. And my blood-drained body screaming for rest. But I couldn’t rest.

Because I’d fallen into Warden’s bed. On top of that probably being a level of sacrilege punishable by death to the repahiam, even if I had just saved his life, it was personally horrifying to me. Saving his life saved me from being transferred to a harsher keeper, and it put this one in my debt. That was all. It did not change the fact that he was a rephaite. My slavemaster. My enemy. And such weakness in front of the enemy was simply unacceptable.

I struggled against him as he pulled me into his bed, propped me up on his pillows. He had to hold me down as he reached over me to the nightstand. With my vision returning mostly to normal, albeit a bit blurred, I saw him retrieve a roll of bandages. The same roll that had been in my backpack when I was brought here. Something about that vile creature looting my stuff after he’d taken me prisoner made what was left of my blood boil. I resisted even harder, pushing my hands weakly into his chest. He urged me to hold still and let him treat my wound in a foggy and faraway voice, and I realized I’d pass out if I kept fighting. Defeated, I lowered my arms and sank back.

“That’s better,” came his deep foggy voice as his warm hands did their work on my wrist. I heard an apology and something about miscalculating how much blood” and “before adverse effects.” His words swam together in my mind; his voice deep and rumbling and strangely calming. No. Now was not the time to calm down! Not when I was literally in the enemy’s hands! I’d rather die!

I think I said that last part out loud, because the last words I hear him speak were “unacceptable…tended to me now I shall…we will take care of each other….”

_“Take care of each other.” I’ve heard those words before…_

My vision filled with a face bright like a summer day, hair paler than light itself, and eyes green as fresh grass. The hero who had delivered me to a free new life. I felt his strong arms around me, and my ears filled with his cheerful laugh and a promise of “we take care of each other here, sötnos.” But then he was drifting, faster than I could chase him. I almost screamed after him, but someone else appeared. Someone who would scold me for such screams.

His face, cloaked in coarse black tousles, was pale and gaunt, with sharp edges, a devious smile, and pure black eyes that danced with his manic energy that sustained us all. Eyes that were never off of me for long. Eyes that smirked knowingly.

_“My dear, what have I told you about attachments?”_

_“I have no such thing.”_

_“Not in body, perhaps, but in your heart. ‘Tis written on your face, O my lovely.”_

He patted a spot on the chaise lounge beside him, and I joined him. He pulled me into an embrace, stroking my hair as if I were his precious child.

_“My dear, do you know why I’ve forbidden attachments? ‘Tis because they’ll get you hurt. The second your attachment becomes known; it’s used against you. To control you. To burn you. To break you. And I can’t bear to see that happen to my sweet Paige. Even if you hate me for it, my dear, I must protect you.”_

He held me like I was a precious porcelain doll and looked at me with eyes so soft there was no way they could be filled with anything but a desire to protect me from threats I didn’t even know. Threats I’s walk right into without his guidance.

_“Anyone will use me like that?”_

_“Anyone.”_

_“Even the other Seals?”_

_“Even the other Seals, if they think they can gain from it.”_

_“Even…even you?”_

A pause and then a light chuckle. _“You need not worry about such a thing, O my lovely. You are my precious mollisher, the one I’ve chosen to carry my legacy. You’re as good as my own child. I’ll only ever protect you.”_

He pulled me closer, and against the comfort of his cool chest and the smell of cigars, his words sank into me the way they always did, lulling my protests to sleep. I drifted into black; I was falling, falling and burning, I felt his cool lips brush against my forehead and then disappear. He was leaving me to the fire, his words trailing after him: _“You of me, and me of you, we’ll always take care of each other.”_

He needed to come back. I needed him! I was weak. I was unsteady. I was falling into blackness. A dark, lonely blackness. I needed him to pull me back from the brink, to steady me like he always did! He could scold me for my weakness later, right now I needed to reach out for him with everything I had. “Please,” I called after him in a weak voice. “Please don’t leave me alone again….”

As my vision went dark, I felt warmth in my outstretched hand and feared it was the fire. But this wasn’t the destructive rage I’d feared; it was more like the gentle caress of wool mittens on a cold day. I found myself reaching for this warmth. When I did, it surrounded me, and it felt like my pleas had been answered. Wait, what had I been begging for again? Why was I here? Memory and reason left me, and I nestled myself into the warmth to finally rest.

When I awoke, I was warm. I was wrapped in a cocoon of velvet. And there was something incredibly warm wrapped around me. Like I was wrapped in life-force itself. What was this force? It felt like strength…wait…like muscle? This couldn’t be…a person, right?

I fought through the lingering haze of sleep and forced my eyes open…to see a sleeping rephaite’s face inches from mine! Suddenly the warmth that had been comforting a moment before seared my skin and I recoiled, forcing myself out of Warden’s arms and out of his bed. He woke and instantly moved toward me when I crashed to the floor.

“Stay back!” I screamed as I scanned the room for a weapon and found none. I didn’t need one though, because Warden froze where he was, watching me intently as if waiting for further instruction. I rose before he could change his mind. “What the hell were you playing at?”

He cocked his head to the side, like he had no idea what I was talking about. No idea why it would be disconcerting for me to wake up _in my slavemaster’s arms!_ Was he going to make me spell it out for him? The thought of me having to do so burned to my cheeks.

Fortunately, he didn’t make me spell it out. “Forgive me. Your body did not weather the blood loss as expected. You lost consciousness. Furthermore, your body temperature was too low to maintain bodily functions.” He tilted his head toward a thermometer on the nightstand, next to the roll of bandages. I looked down at my wrist, which was had been cleaned and wrapped with obvious care. “I couldn’t take you to the medical facility without answering questions that would get us both killed, so I did my best. Though I am not an expert on human medical care.”

So holding me like that was just a medical procedure to him. Something about that made me feel sick to my stomach, but I pushed the feeling down. Of course it was a medical thing, as was giving him my blood to stave off whatever Emite disease he was suffering from. Really, the greatest disappointment here was no longer in my debt for the blood. Probably why he did it. Although why he didn’t just let me die and wipe his debt that way, I couldn’t fathom, and the question roared so loud in my mind I had to ask.

“I told you; your death is unacceptable to me.” I was about to demand what sort of sick game he was using me for when he continued. “You took care of me when I needed it, so I take care of you.” His eyes looked almost soft in the glow of his fireplace. Too soft. This was a rephaite. He couldn’t be soft like a human.

“We don’t _take care_ of each other, rephaite. We _use_ each other. Nothing more.” I spat the words out, and his silent stare seemed to grow even softer. I had to get out of here before I started hallucinating. Before he started to think he had me trapped in some sort of… _attachment._

“Paige.” It was disgusting how just one word from him could stop me in my tracks when I was almost to the door. I asked what he wanted without turning back.

“Was it…lonely…in the syndicate?” And just one question could infuriate me. What did he know about loneliness? Or the syndicate? The Seven Seals were my family. My safe space. My world. Without them, I was lonely. Without them, I dreamt of waking on that chaise lounge, Jaxon scolding me for leaving his care, and me promising I’d never do it again.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” I wanted to run, but something kept me there, waiting for a response, an explanation, _something_ to fill the hole he was making in me with his words.

“I read in a book once that loneliness feels cold. I could never fathom what that meant. But looking at you, I thought I might be able to understand.”

“You’re wrong. And that book is wrong. Loneliness is like fire, burning away your whole world, and trying to burn you with it. And even then, not being allowed to die, but being forced to face the fire again and again. That’s loneliness. If that’s all, may I go?”

The moment seemed like an eternity, in which he probably gave me that same probing stare, like a scientist observing his lab rat, that he wore whenever I spoke like a human. Well, this time, he started it, so he could figure it out on his own. If he even cared to.

“You’re free to go. You must forget this ever happened.”

“Trust me; I’ll have no problem doing that.” As soon as I’d left his room, I raced up the stairs to my own quarters, desperate to put as much space between him and myself as possible. I’d just lied to him and I knew it. The events of today would be burned in my mind for far longer than I’d be able to stand.

It wasn’t until I was in my own hard and cold bed, in the safety of my own solitude, that I allowed myself to cry, hot tears flowing freely as my blood had earlier. I felt the heat, always falsely comforting, of the fire that would destroy me if I ever let it near.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I am obsessed with unpacking the trauma Jax heaped on Paige. And their dynamic. And Jax in general. Like damn he is a terrible person, but I can see why people would follow him. Hell, I'd probably follow him if I was a voyant in Scion London! He's a charmer. And a genius. And I want to sympathize with him because of his past. But he is also a manipulative asshole with no sense of loyalty whatsoever! And he's arguably the main reason Paige can't have a healthy relationship! But gah just like Paige I can't let him go! Definitely some of the best villain writing I've seen in a while, hats off to Samantha Shannon!


End file.
